These past week has felt a lot like a tornado picked up me up, shook me around and then left me confused and in an unknown spot. I haven’t had much time to think of what I’m thankful for, much less check anything off of my to do list! Yesterday though, John and I had nowhere to be until 5pm, when dinner would start at my aunt’s house. I think both of us felt pretty unsettled, exhausted from our week, but also feeling like there were things that we needed to accomplish. We ended up doing a mismash of chores and sleeping on the couch, which left me with some time to think about what I was thankful for.
In a lot of ways, I pride myself on always staying the same. I’m a steadfast person. I’m not wishy washy. In many ways, I am as I’ve always been. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I have changed. Everyone does, and it was entirely silly for me to believe that I never did too.
I usually notice this change the most when confronted by someone from my past. I realize that some of the things that they believe, say and do, I also believed, said and did at one point too and I’m shocked. They probably are shocked that I’ve changed so much too!
That’s a long way of saying that I’ve changed this year and in ways I can’t even comprehend yet. It’s been a challenging year, with some sad moments in there.
-I went through my first real breakup… and then we got back together shortly after. The breakup was devastating, but the getting back together part was a challenge too, it tested my trust and faith and ability to keep trying. I know that it was the best thing for our relationship, which is 10x’s stronger than it ever felt before. But still, it sucked. And it sucked a lot out of me. It changed me.
-This year, I faced a lot of personal challenges. Relationships with family members, friends, coworkers, even landlords, have had me questioning just about everything. They have taught me to grow a thicker skin, but they have also left me feeling lesser, and occasionally used. One of my biggest internal battles with myself is whether to trust people or not, and 9 times out of 10 I opt out of trusting someone. This year has made that challenge even greater.
-More recently, my cat Cleo ran away and then came back home after being gone for 2.5 weeks. She returned a more loving and demonstrative cat, but something about losing her for those couple weeks made me realize that I hold my little family so dear. John, his kids and my cats are what keep me anchored and warm my home.
What I’ve realized from all of this is that for the first time in my life, I’ve felt confidence. I’m confident in my relationship and we’ve reached a deeper level of patience, understanding and comfort that I never knew existed. I’m finally reached a confidence in my relationship with John’s kids, which I never thought I could feel with kids. I’m confident in my work, because I’m really, really good at what I do. I’m confident in my time, and knowing that my leading a slow life of work, yoga, reading and an early bed time is perfect, just for me. I’m confident in my love, and how much love I have to share, with the right friends. I’m more confident in my appearance than ever before. I’m even confident that I’m a good cat-mom!
Many things have changed this year, and they have been a challenge to deal with. But I’m thankful for all these changes, because they have changed me for the better.