About a week ago I wrote about how I put a lot of good into the world and I was hoping for some of it to come back? Well, it didn’t. It came back laughably bad.
I had fallen for someone. I fell hard, I fell fast and I felt so passionate that it was finally the right person at the right time. And he was feeling the same way …about someone else. This always happens. So you think I’d change my ways. You’d think that I’d put up walls, guard my heart, follow all the dating rules and sleep with other people.
The thing is, I can’t justify changing my ways. I would rather get hurt in the end. I’d rather fall flat on my face than “protect myself”. Because if I’m putting up walls and guarding my emotions, then I’m not truly feeling anything the way I’m meant to feel it. I’m a sensitive soul. So of course I have to wallow for a while afterwards. There are a lot of solitary hikes, long baths and writing sessions. Then one day, it doesn’t hurt so bad. Then a few weeks go by and you start to forget how much it hurt. Finally, usually a few months later, I feel ready to try it all over again.
Maybe you think I’m naive, blind, stupid …maybe even insane (the definition of insanity is…) but the thing that keeps me going, even when I’m feeling hurt, embarrassed, sad, is that I believe that someday, someone will love me just as intensely and passionately as I love them. And all that hurt will be worth it, because I’ll have found the right person.
I came to this conclusion sitting on a quiet beach on a warm, sunny spring day. I placed my hands in the ocean, I touched the bark on the trees and I felt at peace with whatever was going to happen. At the time, I was certain that things were as bad as they could be… I had no idea that they were going to get worse. A situation very similar to this happened at about this time last year and I had been utterly devastated. So much so that it was difficult to get out of bed in the morning. This year, I’ve put forward a brave face and tried to be more loving and calm. The thing is, I’m entirely content with whatever is going to happen. Everything happens for a reason and this is no exception.