Lull

Though I consider this to be a personal blog, I’m hesitant to share anything too deep… too personal. Because once something is written and posted, you can’t take it back and it’s out there for everyone to read and judge and talk about.

Now, I’m not naturally the world’s most positive person. In fact, I have to work very hard to view everything in a positive light, but the difference is that I try. And sometimes I have to try a bit harder to see things positively. Excuse it however you may like (I’m a woman… a Gemini…) but I’m prone to “funks”. There are chunks of time where I keep to myself and stay very quiet. I think (and over think) deeply about the world’s smallest, most inconsequential details. And there’s usually a particular sadness to this thinking because really, if you think about anything for too long it does become sad.

The month of November wasn’t good to me. It began with news of a death, but continued with more news from loved ones about job stress, serious illness and money problems. And as each piece of terrible news came to my attention, I sunk deeper and deeper into a fog of deep thought. I hated that my loved ones were feeling pain and sadness, but I also became highly aware of the negative aspects of my life. Throughout the month I had felt so much rejection and worry. Nothing was seriously wrong, but nothing was as I wanted it to be either.

All of my personal goals this year were made to force me to beat back my natural instinct: running. Not literal running of course, but the idea of running from a problem. In the past, when things got complicated or hard I would change jobs, move or stop talking to someone entirely. In some ways I know that I shouldn’t fight this natural instinct and should embrace it, because it protects me from hurting. But it also protects me from love, friendship and consistency… something I crave above all else. I’m so torn between acting as a flighty nomad and that boring person who doesn’t deviate from the same routine. Despite hardships and rejections that I’ve experienced since moving to Seattle, I’ve remained resilient. I’m convinced that this is the city for me, I just haven’t found my place in it quite yet. I don’t want to run from my problems… I want to confront them head on and proactively make my life better.

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I’m going to try very hard to make December a much better month. Maybe I can’t fix my loved ones problems (and that’s ok!) but I can fix my own. It’s not going to happen all at once (and that’s ok too!) but it’s a step in the right direction!

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