Romatic Pessimist

I’ve started to write this post a handful of times, but each time I stopped halfway through, worried what someone might think of me when they read it. Or that someone might take my words the wrong way. But I’ve decided to type it out for the world to read and judge all that they might like. After reading, you might like me more or you could like me much less. Either way, it comforts me knowing that my words have been released. That they might mean something to someone.

I began the year with a very pragmatic outlook and I set a few goals for myself that seemed reasonable and attainable. The first goal was to watch less TV (that didn’t happen) and write more (as far as I’m concerned, that did happen!), to become more fit, to allow myself then entire year to find a good job and the final goal was to go on three first dates.

Maybe you find it silly that I even made the last goal. But I hadn’t been on a single date for the year of 2011. NOT ONE. And I felt so undesirable and so pessimistic about love. But as the new year progressed, I realized that my luck was turning. Within the first month, I had already gone on a first date and though he was kind, he didn’t like movies or media and ultimately we had absolutely nothing in common. When I moved to Seattle I was asked out on another first date. Though he was the absolute opposite of me, he was my “type” and I was his. He was passionate, talented, wild, handsome, charming… everything I wasn’t. I felt so young and spontaneous when I was with him and on our first date he wore a cute sweater, we ate at a little hole in the wall restaurant and then went to his place to watch Raging Bull. It was the best first date I’d ever been on. And for a while I thought it was going to be my last first date of the year. But after a horrible, embarrassing and devastating end to it all, I knew I’d have to get back out there eventually and try again. This was June. The summer brought a couple of very confusing nights where I was left wondering days later what that kiss meant or if I had been on an actual date or not. Then the fall came. Suddenly, as I was moving into a new apartment and starting a new job I was being asked out on several dates and I was quickly becoming overwhelmed. Some dates were oversharers. Some dates I canceled. Some dates just fizzled.

But for the first time, I felt… kinda sexy. Men would notice me in parks, coffee shops or while grocery shopping. They liked my dresses, my smile or my books. In some ways, it felt exciting to meet all these men and see parts of the city I hadn’t seen before.  It was like Sex in the City… without the sex. Or the female camaraderie. But in other ways, it felt like such a disappointment each time that I just didn’t feel a connection.

I call it a “cadence” and very rarely does someone’s cadence match my own. It’s the way people make a joke. The way they talk, walk or the way they laugh. Most of the time, people don’t know when I’m being (or trying to be) funny. They have no idea that I’m quoting a movie. Their rhythm, their tempo just doesn’t match my own, and I absolutely understand why. Sometimes I’m talking a mile a minute about something amazing and other times my I can’t hardly muster the energy to say anything at all. But when I feel a connection with someone, someone who’s cadence matches my own, I feel exhilarated, excited and hopeful. And unfortunately, I occasionally feel this connection with people that I shouldn’t. Men who aren’t interested in women, men who are interested in other women and men who don’t act like gentlemen.

I still haven’t given up hope. Even though I’ve surpassed my original goal of 3 first dates and a lot of awkward conversations have come and gone, I know that there is one man out there, looking for me. In March, before I moved to Seattle, I wrote my favorite post:  A Letter to my Future Husband. I meant every word that I wrote and I’m still waiting for the man who will think of me as his number one. If a lot of terrible, awkward or lackluster dates have to come and go before I meet him, so be it! I know it’ll be worth it when I meet my best friend, my soul mate and the man whose cadence matches my own.

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