Today I found out that I got an apartment! You can walk only one block and see this amazing view! It’s in a quiet neighborhood less than a mile from my work. The apartment itself needs some love and attention, but I have plenty of that to give! I’m of course very ecstatic and thrilled that I’m finally going to have a place of my own. A place that I can pay for with my own money and everything inside will be mine. But that’s the thing… it’s just mine. I’m going to be all alone. And even as silly as it sounds, I’m scared. Now, you might be thinking that I’m just scared to live by myself… but that’s not it. I’m pretty street smart and dexterous with pepper spray, plus, I’ve lived alone before. And I actually prefer living without roommates. This dread and panic comes from a place far deeper than security… it comes from loneliness.
I realize that I made the choice to move to a new city where I knew only family and a handful of acquaintances. I chose Seattle out a thousands of cities knowing full well that I could be lonely. Don’t get me wrong… I’ve met people. I’ve even gone on dates. But nothing that has clicked. Nothing that has lasted. And most of the time I actually prefer to be alone. But now that I’ll be living alone, the panic has risen. The frightened feeling has begun.
Now, I know full well that I’m not going to be alone forever. That I’ll make friends and fall in love. Meeting men is somewhat easier (I could argue both ways)… but meeting friends is eternally harder. I read this article and scared myself even more. The biggest fear in my life is that I’ll be lonely. That I’ll never fall in love again and never make good friendships while living in Seattle. Because what is a good city without butterflies and hand holding? Without belly laughs and dinner dates?
Maybe this all sounds utterly ridiculous to you, but it’s how I honestly feel. I’m scared being being alone forever.