I’ve been waiting for The Amazing Spiderman basically since Spiderman 3 came out. Because that movie made me want to burn my eyes out. And because I still have nightmares about the dancing scene. And if you don’t remember this particular scene, don’t worry about the reference because I care about you, your eyes and nightmares very much.

Anyway, after the years of anticipation… I was sorely disappointed. Let me name here a few reasons why.

1. Why, after he was bitten by a radioactive spider that makes him super human, does Peter Parker still wear glasses? You don’t need them anymore! You have perfect vision! And a hot bod! In many ways, Peter Parker just wasn’t that Peter Parker-ish. There was more of an emphasis on skateboarding (what was UP with that cheesy skateboarding scene?!) than on photography or smarts.

2. These movie makers disobeyed the first rule (MY first rule anyway) of monster movie making. YOU DON’T SHOW THE MONSTER. A monster/bad guy loses all sense of mystery when you show a close up of their face! Monsters aren’t scary when you realize that they have eyelashes. Doesn’t anyone remember Cloverfield? Do you remember how scared you were? How badly you wanted to see the monster? Though the lizard had typical Spiderman schizophrenic tendencies (which are cheesy and I love) the lair and laboratory felt very Batman to me.

3. The script was just too cheesy. The chemistry was poor because the words were just so incredibly cheap. I would’ve preferred a silent movie over the incessant New York-ish one-liners. In this movie they really tried to make Spiderman into this suave, spitfire guy when he put on the suit rather than meek and shy Peter Parker. This script just tried to fit too many stories into one movie without any substance to hold it together. For example, did you really feel sad when Uncle Ben died? They rushed his story line too much for anyone to feel a real attachment to that character.

The only thing that saved this movie… even a little bit… was Andrew Garfield. The guy can act. He played the shy, timid Parker well. I believed his emotional scenes. I saw the chemistry with Gwen (though that story was cut short too). I can only hope that in the sequels they really step up the concept and concentrate on this talent.

Oh Andrew, you dreamboat. Why oh why did Spiderman have to be so awful?


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