The Nitty Gritty

I haven’t been in a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship since high school. When I think about this, I’m baffled at the thought of being single for so long. Because I truly dislike being single. I really do. But at the same time, my solidarity has absolutely been a choice. Though I do not, in any way, consider myself to be beautiful or incredibly interesting, there has been a string of boys over time that have tried to woo me. And there have also been many crushing crushes that would inspire Taylor Swift to write a new album. The trouble is, I have a delicate heart. I don’t let most people anywhere near it, for fear that it will be stomped on repeatedly. And that isn’t some unjustified over protection either… I know what people are capable of doing with my heart. It’s not pretty. Like last summer, when my heart opened just a little bit for a boy that made me incredibly, ecstatically happy… for a few days. Then I never heard from him again.

My heart is just more complicated than most. I’m intense. I’m odd. I’m different. And I love love. I love far too easily. But at the same time, I’m so wary with with my heart because I know how I am. I’ve had to watch my friends and family fall in love over and over again and as happy as I am for them, I’ve felt devastated. Because I haven’t met someone who will love me back in the same way. A man who is loyal and honest and knows damn well what he wants… and that what he wants is me. I’ve met a lot of boys… a lot of guys… but so far, never a man. I’ve watched the glow of love on my friends faces and pined for that glow of my own… but of course, I have to wait a bit longer. Because the love that I want isn’t just a high school fling full of tumultuous fights and passionate declarations. I want the courtship. I want the respect. I need the romance of a different time. And as hard and as lonely as this wait is… I know it’s worth it.

Olivia is one of my favorite bloggers and I’ve followed her blog Everyday Musings for quite some time. She’s quite a bit like me… she seems to be a very old soul. She’s young, maybe only a few years older than me, but she enjoys sitting on her porch, having dinner parties and taking bike rides. She takes a simpler, slower pace in life and I see a lot of myself in her. I’ve also become a bit fixated on her new relationship. I follow her and her boyfriend on instagram and it warms my heart to have followed their slow approach to love. Stories like this give me hope, that odd girls with old souls will find sweet boys that like dinner parties too.


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