Thankful Thursday

This week we’re going to get REAL PERSONAL.

A few weeks ago I created a survey (take it here, if you haven’t already!) and most people answered that they wanted to hear more about my personal life and style. The style response is pretty funny because I’m usually told that I’m a fairly boring dresser. I wear a version of the same thing everyday! You don’t want even to know how many blue button-ups I have in my closet! But the personal inquiries are understandable. There’s nothing more boring than a blog that’s a simple regurgitation of facts and photos. Readers want the juicy stuff! The nitty gritty! Because of privacy problems in the past, I tend to be a little over sensitive about revealing too much. But not anymore! So I’m going to lay it allll out this week!

This week was Valentine’s Day. Have I ever told you that I REALLY DISLIKE Valentine’s Day? Because I totally do. And it’s not just because I’m single or bitter or a cat-lady… it’s because I think that it’s an over-hyped holiday. Even when I’ve been in relationships or dating someone, V-Day has never been great. I don’t really wear jewelry… I think flowers are a waste of money (unless they’re daisies)… and boxes of chocolate are such a letdown! You open up the box and you’re so excited until you bite into coconut… or raspberry… or nuts! It’d much rather stay home, watch Iron Man 2 again and eat junky food. And also… Valentines Day tends to be a big honking reminder that I haven’t been in a relationship in a really long time. And it’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, because I do! I really do! I just don’t want to put myself into a situation where I could get hurt again and I’m not sure I’ve met a man who really gets me. I’m a difficult person to like and I’m sure I’m an even more difficult woman to love… but I know someone is out there just waiting for me to come along. And I’m trying to be very patient… veryyy patient…

Also, I’ve mentioned for the past few Thankful Thursdays here here & here that I’ve been feeling a bit blue, but I never really specified why. The first thing you have to know about me is that I hold myself to really high expectations and I get ridiculously disappointed when I don’t reach the lofty goals set for myself. When I graduated early in December I was under this delusional assumption that I was going to get a job right away. Like, I REALLY THOUGHT I was going to move to LA and become famous and probably date Robert Pattinson while I was at it. Quickly, reality sunk in. I had no money, was soon to have no car and no place to live. I scrambled to make plans during finals and once I finished celebrating Christmas in Northern California, I took a plane to Wisconsin with only a small suitcase of clothes, my laptop and my portfolio. I had 60 dollars in my wallet. As much as I’ve tried to enjoy my time in Wisconsin, I feel like a failure with the nagging thought in my mind that I don’t have a real “big girl” job yet. I spend most of my time applying for jobs, working a part time job and I try not to feel too bad for myself. Because there are just some days where I feel like a big fat honkin failure.

Everyone tells you to “relax!” “calm down!” “enjoy this time!” but really… when have I EVER relaxed? After a struggle of a morning, I decided to take the afternoon for myself and take a drive to a different part of town. I sat by this beautiful frozen lake and I imagined what would make me TRULY HAPPY and suddenly I felt so much more content. I want to live in a city. I want to bike to work (or at least to the grocery store). I want to wear cute clothes and decorate my house with cute, vintage things. I want a pet. I want to feel appreciated. I want to be loved. Everything is attainable. Something good will happen when I least expect it. All I have to do is hold on for a bit longer and try my very hardest. It’s not easy and I’m probably going to be using even more self deprecating humor than the usual, but I’m going to hold on for a bit longer.

I hope this wasn’t TOO personal for you! And I’d love to read your comments!


One thought on “Thankful Thursday

  1. I really enjoyed reading this thursdays blog more real raw and personal and was AMAZING go Girl stay strong keep holding on huggs 🙂 good things will come your way

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