Welcome

At this point in my life, I have all the things I need to be an adult. I have a TV, a couch, a bed and a dining room table. I have a coffee table, and a set of matching dishes and a set of matching glassware, and a dresser. Of course, there are still things I want, like a mid century credenza for my TV and a simple, wooden bookshelf for my books. I’m definitely a minimalist and I firmly believe in buying things that you absolutely love. So while I don’t have much, I love what I have. IMG_3003This is my makeshift bookshelf (originally kitchen shelving) for now, and I’m actually totally ok with it. It’s able to hold my hundreds of books, which is a feat in itself. I was also able to color coordinate my books and hang my American flag, two things I wasn’t allowed to do in my last apartment.

IMG_2959 Though I’m not a fan of the sage green wall color (and am too lazy to paint it), the bathroom has really good bones with an adorable tiled floor, so it didn’t really need a lot of adornment. It’s pretty teeny, and tucked away into the back corner of the apartment, so having fresh flowers really brightens up the room. Otherwise, I hung my striped West Elm shower curtain and hung one print on the wall and the bathroom was good to go!

IMG_3001I would have to say that my dining room is my favorite room to look at. I absolutely love the color of the rug with the really simple table I bought at IKEA. I sit here every morning and watch my coffee drip and take a little moment to enjoy the sun coming up outside the window. There are a lot of plants and flowers on the table, as well as my disco ball, and my favorite painting is on the wall. Overall, I feel like this room feels the most like me.

The kitchen is very small (cozy or cramped, depends on the day), which lots of cabinets dating back to the 1920’s, most of which I don’t have any use for. Overall, I’d have to say I’m getting used to it. My preference to let dishes pile up doesn’t work in the tiny sink and the fact that you can open the oven unless you are standing almost outside the kitchen, well that’s just plain annoying. But I have to say, these glass cabinets are the perfect place to show off my decanter obsession:IMG_2955IMG_2989I have a little sheepskin rug on the bench at the end of my bed, but I decided that there’s nothing more luxurious than to wake up in the morning and the first thing you step on be soft and warm and comforting. So I found the perfect little rug just for that purpose! Otherwise though my nightstand and bed set up looks almost exactly the same as before.IMG_2994

I still haven’t recovered my couch, which is 100% silly at this point, but it does make the perfect window seat and cat napping spot and otherwise looks almost exactly the same as the last few apartments.IMG_3010The top of my dresser has become a bit of a catch all, but I’m totally ok with it! Pictured here: daffodils, a family portrait, a coin jar, Daisy perfume, billy balls, bronze bird statues, a velociraptor, a pile of rocks, a watch, a whale dish, vintage perfume bottles and the 50 Foot Woman, of course.

I’ve gotten to the point where when I move, my home looks the same, just in a different place. All the same things are there, they’re just configured differently. My new apartment is much brighter and open than my last, and quite a bit smaller, but still, when my things are in it, it feels like home.

Do Not Disturb

IMG_2883I was lucky to have won a big gift card to Hotel Max at my work holiday party and though I had hoped to use it straight away, it took me a couple days to realize that this would make for a romantic (and free!) Valentine’s Day getaway. I made the reservation and anticipated the weekend with every approaching day. At the same time, my relationship was crumbling and John wanted to cancel the reservation because he thought we would fight too much. I told him I couldn’t bear to cancel the reservation, so he did it while I cried in the shower.

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Cut to: 3 weeks later. Single as can be, I left work a few hours early on a Friday to grab my things at home and headed to the hotel. The hotel is so cool, almost too cool, and my room was beautiful with a great style. First things first, I jumped on the bed! I was giddy with excitement and knew that this was such an amazing (free) opportunity! I slipped straight away into a scorching hot bath while reading a silly magazine. I spent the rest of the night in my robe and in the king size bed reading, ordering room service (it wasn’t very great, I wouldn’t recommend the chicken) and watching The Parent Trap on TV. I felt sad, of course, and I really didn’t sleep well. In the morning, I had biscuits and jam and an orange/grapefruit mimosa delivered and then I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I chose to watch The Fault in Our Stars. I read the book, so I knew how it ended, and still I was sobbing hysterically, knowing full well that I wasn’t really just crying about this crazy sad movie. There’s this line where Augustus says, “She didn’t want a million admirers she just wanted one”. I cried so hard that I probably scared my neighbors.

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Needless to say, that was my hardest day. Peeling myself up off of the bed, wiping away my mascara and checking out (I did manage to stay within 2 dollars of the $250, which was pretty darn impressive) of the hotel was rough. Walking home was a challenge. And when I got home, I felt so, so incredibly sad. I went and laid in the sun. I watched New Girl and hoped to laugh. I did everything I could think of to cheer myself up and it just didn’t work. It wasn’t until that night, when my friend Casie came over that I could really even form coherent thoughts.

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I hate that my stay was filled with such sad memories and I’m sorry this sounds so “woe is me” but it really was a wonderful night. I’d recommend the hotel to anyone and LOVED my room. I’m actually pretty positive it’s the room featured in all the ads. If you’re looking for a great place to stay, definitely check it out!

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Oh Alright

I’m not really quite sure how to take it when people say “How ARE you?” and look at you meaningfully and uncomfortably, as if you’re about to burst into tears on the spot. (Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you. You wouldn’t believe the number of people who have NOT asked me this question or just avoided me altogether. The people who came out the woodwork and supported me? They are epically amazing and I’m so lucky for them.)

So, ok guys, I’m OK. I’m FINE.

Also, a lot of people have said they I seem better than they expected. I’m not really sure how I was supposed to take that either. “Thanks! I know, I’m totally having a good hair day, right?”

Something I didn’t expect was so many wonderful people reaching out. I went and got sushi, I had pizza and rose at home, I brunched on French food, I took a barre class and I’m going on a hike this weekend. In some ways, I was overwhelmed by this, because my first instinct was to want to be alone, but I was so rewarded being in the presence of such wonderful people who support and encourage me. And when I talk, they listen.

Like all things that I do, I made a list. A list of all the things I wanted to do more of, now that I’m on my own. And, the overachiever I am, I’ve accomplished a LOT of them and am continuing to check more things off of the list.

First things first, fresh flowers everywhere! (the more beautiful the scent, the better!)

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Eat lots of good food! I’ve always been dying to get sushi at Shiro’s and I finally was able to go and it was heaven, truly. I highly recommend the black cod, or the seasonal sushi (below). IMG_2918

Stick my nose in a good book. Dear lord, I’ve probably spent about $200 on books in the past month. Books make me happy when I’m feeling sad and I just happened to stumble upon an amazing selection of books to get me through this rough time!

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Make the apartment all my own. More pictures to come, I promise, but my apartment already feels like home to me. I’ve even put a little love into it by repainting the trim white. In the past 6 years of renting, I’ve never once bothered to put a speck of paint on the walls! (and trust me, some of them really needed it)

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Treat myself. A few months ago, I didn’t bother much with curling my hair or putting a mask on or painting my nails. I think it was because I didn’t want the other person to think I was “silly” for those things. I gave myself the most silly, girly PINK manicure and even bought myself this tiny ring as a reminder that I need to love myself first, before anyone can love me.

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Spending time with the kitties. As much as a move stresses me out, it stresses them out even more. They have severe abandonment issues and assume that I will be packing up and leaving them behind. It’s so sad to see, but they also seem to be acclimating to this move better than before. I think it might have something to do with the huge windows and little birds that like to hang out in the trees in front of them!

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Taking it slow. I have forced myself to lay on the couch and watch a movie. I sit and watch my coffee drip through the Chemex in the morning. I’ve even taken a couple baths! My body has gone through enough stress lately. If I have the time, I’m trying to take advantage of a quiet time to remain calm.

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Take walks and be in nature. I have walked SO much more in the past few weeks than before. The city has also been kissed by spring weather early and one weekend I was even able to lay in a park, reading my favorite magazine… in a sundress! (happy dance)

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My list also includes visiting sunny places (coming soon), cook new things (let me tell you about my amazing sauteed mushrooms…), light scented candles (I even got one as a housewarming gift!) and play my violin more (alright, I haven’t gotten to this one yet). I’m staying busy, but also not pushing myself too hard. I’m giving myself a break because goshdarnnit I deserve one!

Breakup

I’m going through a break up. I’ve been broken up with. We broke up.

I don’t really know how to say it, and I haven’t really told that many people because I don’t know how to say it. So below are some questions I know you’ll probably ask because you love me for some crazy reason. I love you too.

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1. Who broke up with WHO? He broke up with me and asked me to move out. This happened several times actually, but I just never told anyone because I was ashamed that I stayed when I was not wanted.

2. Um… are you still living together? No, I spent Valentine’s Day morning making a giant list of Craigslist apartments called everyone on the list and set up six 30 minute appointments for that afternoon. I am nothing if not organized. My mom went with me and helped me sign a lease on the second apartment we saw. I moved into my new apartment on the 21st and it’s a really adorable apartment. You’re welcome over anytime.

3. So… are you still working together? Yeah. It really sucks and I like to think that we’re both being pretty adult about it. But still, it sucks.

4. Are you still living in Capitol Hill? Yes, and only about 5 blocks from where I was before, but it’s in what feels like a completely different neighborhood farther up the hill. Much quieter, less homeless bums.

5. Did someone cheat? I didn’t, and I honestly don’t think he did (or even wanted to) either. We just fought too much.

6. If you could go back and do anything differently, would you? Most definitely. I didn’t have much of a backbone. I kind of just went along with whatever my partner wanted to do and didn’t take myself into account, and eventually he didn’t either. I would bottle up all that hurt and then lash out, and that’s not healthy for anyone. I focused so much on our relationship, trying to make everything perfect, that I became an anxious mess. My anxiety ended up taking over me in a lot of arguments and I regret the things I said and did incredibly.

6. What did you learn from all of it? I learned that I’m a pretty darn good girlfriend. This was my first relationship EVER and I was fully committed to it. I was patient and understanding and open to new things. Though I put him before myself too often, I was surprised at how selfless I could really be. I welcomed him and his sons into my family and really loved. I loved really hard. Looking ahead, I don’t want to be AS selfless, and I want to be with someone who thinks I’m something really special, but I fought hard to make this super complicated relationship work and I’ll never once regret that.

7. Do you think you’ll get back together? Honestly, yes, part of me really hopes so. He has a lot to figure out and I’m using my time to focus on me. Maybe it’s naive to hold onto that hope, but I still have a smidgen of hope.

I don’t want anyone to have any hard or angry feelings either. He loved me an incredible lot. He made me feel beautiful without makeup and loved pieces of me that I hated. He was patient with my anxiety and neurosis and learned to deal with my jealousy like a champ. In some ways, we were a great team, a perfect pairing and anyone who saw us together just got that. We were on the same wavelength, worked at the same cadence, and that’s so rare for me to find. Even in the middle of a fight, we were able to make each other laugh.

8. Are you OK? I’m probably doing 10x’s better than I ever thought I would be. Yes there have been some tears, some Dove ice cream and some Menage a Trois wine, but it hasn’t at all been like what it’s like in movies on or TV. I actually feel happy, because we ended things on as good of terms as we knew how, and I’m taking this time to feel calm. I’ve started to do all the things that I’d been holding myself back from doing and I’m doing my best to reach out to those around me, rather than closing myself off from the world. It’s a process, and I know it’ll be a while until I feel less sad about it, but in the meantime I’m going to try to stay busy and productive.

Peace & Love

Occasionally, you’ll have a week that just throws you for a loop and forces you to reevaluate everything and everyone around you. For me, it was one of those kinds of weeks.

I’m allowing myself one hermit weekend, where I stay in my apartment to do chores and laze about, but I’m choosing to not dwell on the negative and instead move forward with a more positive outlook.

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So here are some photos from my work holiday party last month, which was at the EMP museum. There was delicious food, dancing (though in my opinion not enough dancing!), prizes (I won a hotel room in Seattle at Hotel Max which we are going to use for Valentine’s Day!) and full exploration of the museum. I’ve been a few times before, so there wasn’t much new to see, but I did explore the sound room a little more and we even had a chance to make a music video which was one of the funniest things I’ve ever done!

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(PS: This dress is probably the craziest thing I’ve ever purchased, and I’m glad I did! It was shorter, more revealing and more shiny than anything I own! The theme was Purple Haze, and while I love a good theme, the whole psychedelic 60’s look really just doesn’t work for me. Instead, I went more for a Bianca Jagger, Studio 54, 1970’s look, which I just like a lot better.)

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I’ll be here, trying to be positive and try to find that peace and love from early January!