I’m going through a break up. I’ve been broken up with. We broke up.
I don’t really know how to say it, and I haven’t really told that many people because I don’t know how to say it. So below are some questions I know you’ll probably ask because you love me for some crazy reason. I love you too.
1. Who broke up with WHO? He broke up with me and asked me to move out. This happened several times actually, but I just never told anyone because I was ashamed that I stayed when I was not wanted.
2. Um… are you still living together? No, I spent Valentine’s Day morning making a giant list of Craigslist apartments called everyone on the list and set up six 30 minute appointments for that afternoon. I am nothing if not organized. My mom went with me and helped me sign a lease on the second apartment we saw. I moved into my new apartment on the 21st and it’s a really adorable apartment. You’re welcome over anytime.
3. So… are you still working together? Yeah. It really sucks and I like to think that we’re both being pretty adult about it. But still, it sucks.
4. Are you still living in Capitol Hill? Yes, and only about 5 blocks from where I was before, but it’s in what feels like a completely different neighborhood farther up the hill. Much quieter, less homeless bums.
5. Did someone cheat? I didn’t, and I honestly don’t think he did (or even wanted to) either. We just fought too much.
6. If you could go back and do anything differently, would you? Most definitely. I didn’t have much of a backbone. I kind of just went along with whatever my partner wanted to do and didn’t take myself into account, and eventually he didn’t either. I would bottle up all that hurt and then lash out, and that’s not healthy for anyone. I focused so much on our relationship, trying to make everything perfect, that I became an anxious mess. My anxiety ended up taking over me in a lot of arguments and I regret the things I said and did incredibly.
6. What did you learn from all of it? I learned that I’m a pretty darn good girlfriend. This was my first relationship EVER and I was fully committed to it. I was patient and understanding and open to new things. Though I put him before myself too often, I was surprised at how selfless I could really be. I welcomed him and his sons into my family and really loved. I loved really hard. Looking ahead, I don’t want to be AS selfless, and I want to be with someone who thinks I’m something really special, but I fought hard to make this super complicated relationship work and I’ll never once regret that.
7. Do you think you’ll get back together? Honestly, yes, part of me really hopes so. He has a lot to figure out and I’m using my time to focus on me. Maybe it’s naive to hold onto that hope, but I still have a smidgen of hope.
I don’t want anyone to have any hard or angry feelings either. He loved me an incredible lot. He made me feel beautiful without makeup and loved pieces of me that I hated. He was patient with my anxiety and neurosis and learned to deal with my jealousy like a champ. In some ways, we were a great team, a perfect pairing and anyone who saw us together just got that. We were on the same wavelength, worked at the same cadence, and that’s so rare for me to find. Even in the middle of a fight, we were able to make each other laugh.
8. Are you OK? I’m probably doing 10x’s better than I ever thought I would be. Yes there have been some tears, some Dove ice cream and some Menage a Trois wine, but it hasn’t at all been like what it’s like in movies on or TV. I actually feel happy, because we ended things on as good of terms as we knew how, and I’m taking this time to feel calm. I’ve started to do all the things that I’d been holding myself back from doing and I’m doing my best to reach out to those around me, rather than closing myself off from the world. It’s a process, and I know it’ll be a while until I feel less sad about it, but in the meantime I’m going to try to stay busy and productive.